Excited.
That’s probably one of my favorite feelings in the world. And I would like to believe that I first felt that with you.
I remember when I was younger, you used to bring me pasalubongs every time you came home from work. Back then, I loved asking you for magic pencils, chocolate gold coins, Crayola crayons, marshmallows, and all the treats that kids wanted to possess. I could never forget the glow in my eyes when I hear the sound of the gate as you enter. Being the spoiled granddaughter that I am, I was excited to find out what my “pasalubong of the day” would be.
You always made me feel excited. Years after, when you already retired, my excitement didn’t come from pasalubongs anymore. But from going home to Sta. Rosa, knowing that you’d be waiting for me at the entrance of the subdivision just to make sure that I’d be safe. Excitement was having to borrow your bicycle because I have always loved riding it. Excitement was you buying me BBQ because it has always been my favorite food in the world. Until one day, I received a text message that made me forget all the good things that excitement entails. And for the first time in my life, I was not excited to see you. Not at all.
“Alecks, wala na si Daddy.”
It was 6:00 in the morning. I was still fazed due to lack of sleep, the time of the year when school’s the needy bitch. That moment, it seemed like my brain forgot how to comprehend. Like the message was written in a language I had never heard of. But we both know that it wasn’t my brain that could not work, it was my heart that could not accept.
That was the only moment when I didn’t want to see you. As if excitement left this realm and decided to never visit me again. I never wanted for any of those words to come true. How could you be gone? How could that be possible? How could you leave just like that? When you left, I never knew I could produce that amount of tears. I was never the crybaby. That was when I found out that I had it in me.
It had taken me a long while to accept that you’re never going to be there again to be the source of my excitement. That I had to learn to find it in other things. But when I realized that you’re in a so much better place right now, I knew that it’s time to let you go.
Thank you. Thank you for being the best grandfather anyone could ever wish for. Thank you for all the pasalubongs that you let me enjoy as a child. Thank you for being there in my graduation days just because Papa was in another land, trying his best to give us the life we deserve. Thank you for always making it easier for me. Thank you for all the excitement. Thank you, Daddy.
I am excited for the day when I can enjoy your piggyback rides again. Until then, let me miss you.
Just so you know, I still haven’t forgiven you for missing my UP graduation. Kidding. I love you. You know that. Happy Father’s Day.
Alecks Ambayec 