Sometimes I wish I were simpleminded.

I am a woman of worries.

Sadly, yes I am. It’s funny how I can’t remember any part of my life when I didn’t have to worry at all. Probably, I wasn’t worried when I was a baby or a toddler but how the hell am I supposed to remember those times huh? Kidding aside, every moment of my life, no matter all the progress I’ve made (I think I’ve made some, right? If I were to be kind to myself), I still worry.

I’ve been reflecting if I lack self love. I don’t think so. I think I love myself enough. It just so happens that it’s the tough kind. And can I really blame me? When I wasn’t allowed to be weak and mediocre when I was younger? Imagine having to sleep at 3am as early as 2nd grade just to study for exams. I’m not even exaggerating (and I’m telling you I wish I were). I was forced to always do my best (and even beyond) coz my parents would kill me if my 95 becomes a 94. As if my whole worth could be measured by a fuckin grade or a place at the honor roll. But pretty much it was though, during that time.

So now here I am. I don’t lack self love. However, I do lack self compassion. A guy once told me that probably I never had any official romantic relationship because I’m demanding. Huh. Joke’s on him. I’m actually the opposite. I don’t demand anything at all from anyone coz I believe that whatever I want and need, I can give to myself. So yes, I am indeed demanding – but only to myself and not to other people. It has its pros, but it also emphasizes the fact that I lack self compassion.

I’m pretty hard on myself. Always trying to outdo myself in ways more than one. And it’s damn tiring. Like right now I’m fuckin overwhelmed. But I only have me to blame coz everything’s my choice. Nobody asked me to take plenty of jobs at a single time. But since I’m pretty ambitious and I wanna build my empire someday, I’m doing everything I can to learn every fuckin thing I think I’m going to need in the future. Besides, who else is gonna do these things for me? No one. At the end of the day, I only have me to turn to. So I gotta fix my shit.

But then again, I can’t help but wonder how things could’ve turned out for me if I were simpleminded. If ambition doesn’t drive me insane. Maybe I stayed in Laguna, worked at my high school alma mater or a small company out there, married a high school fling, had kids, lived a simple life. Would have I been happy? Probably yes, if I were simpleminded. Too bad I’m not and there’s no point wallowing on the thought coz I’m not in any parallel universe and I’m stuck with the reality that I’m a freaking ambitious bitch who wants to have her own empire one day. So if I want it, I gotta work hard. No one’s gonna hand it to me on a silver platter. I didn’t come from a rich fam haha.

So maybe I can just take this moment to apologize to myself for everything I’ve been putting her through and to thank her as well for sticking with me despite my being a psycho bitch. Sorry and thanks, self. I love you. Never think otherwise.

Nescivi: A Collection

Nescivi

Latin; verb

be ignorant/unfamiliar/unaware/unacquainted/unable/unwilling

not know (how)

Nescivi, a collection of photos I have taken of people without them knowing. And they will, most probably, never know.

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Aneque Na, Bes?

I can’t quite believe it’s been a year already since I strutted my way to that stage, proudly wearing my Sablay. Having unlocked a major achievement, I remember feeling relieved – relieved from all the stresses caused by thesis statements, production visions, org responsibilities, and theoretical frameworks. “Natapos din ang lahat ng paghihirap ko,” or so I thought.

Life in UP was equivalent to all-nighters, canned goods and pancit canton, free-flowing tears, or in one word – hell. I used to believe that the key to heaven was nothing but that piece of parchment paper we like to refer to as the “diploma”. Little did I know that that piece of parchment paper is leading me to nowhere but another hell. Haha.

I guess adulthood is even more evil than UP can ever be. I thought graduation would direct me straight to my well-paved way to greatness. How was I supposed to know that it’s an effin’ labyrinth out there? I mean UP was a maze, too. But I had a compass back then. I knew that the way to get out was to study and to do whatever it was that I had to do to pass the semester. It wasn’t easy but at least I knew the steps (or had an idea on how to deal with the steps). When I stepped out of the UP maze, I discovered that the compass doesn’t always point north. More often than not, there’s no way to find out where exactly I’m heading. Every turn opens the door of “what’s next?”

It’s not a question that my undergrad self uttered probably thousands of “I-want-to-graduate-already” in different versions, through different media. Back then, I believed that graduation would save me from being broke, stressed, and what else. “Pag nagttrabaho, at least binabayaran ka. Unlike pag nag-aaral, napapagod lang.” What a philosophy, I’d say. The biatch in me didn’t know what she was talking about.

It’s been 365 days already since graduation day. What has become of that girl who used to think that commencement exercises are the answer? Well, here she is, getting paid already but still as broke as she can be. No love life. No added stamp on her passport. No grand achievement since that chance to wear the Sablay.

Nevertheless, it would be unfair to just dwell on what’s still missing. Yes, there aren’t achievements I can consider grand as of now. But I guess in those 365 days, I’ve taken the baby steps to “grand achievements”. There have been plenty of discoveries already – about me, about the universe, about life, about dreams. And I wouldn’t have found out about them if I didn’t step out of UP. Besides, UP did not educate me just to have it easy. What would be those sleepless nights for if they were not preparations for a tougher phase of life?

After 365 days, I still don’t know what’s the best direction to take. I’m not even sure if I wanna get out of the labyrinth. All I know is I want to at least enjoy the challenge and learn from it. After all, moments don’t happen twice. Might as well have fun rather than stress myself out. Beautiful stories have difficulties and I want my life to be one so I have to live up to adulthood’s crazy. I’m not sure when the next unlocking of achievements will be. I can only hope that it’s in the next 365 days.

Don’t worry, I’ll probably blog about it next year. 🙂