Musings About Forever

Why is there an obsession for things to last forever? Why is it, that when something ends, the initial reaction is for it to be considered as something “wasted”?

My experience, for instance, with a friend whom I spent nine years of my life with (platonically, just to be clear) – I used to get her a Starbucks planner every year after getting one for myself. Then one day, the friendship wasn’t just working anymore. Next thing I knew, we were parting ways and I found myself not wanting to do anything to revive it (after months of trying, in my defense).

Anyhow, long story short, the 9-year friendship ended. And it hurt. A lot. The person who used to share every relevant thing about her wasn’t there anymore. We stopped talking like those nine years never even happened. However, it’s just the way it is. Some things last, some things don’t. Doesn’t mean that what was shared was an overall waste.

In case you’re wondering, NO – I do not regret an ounce of the nine-year friendship. If I could go back to 2012 and meet her again for the first time, I’d still choose to be her friend even if I know that she wouldn’t be my friend forever. I say this a lot – I am not a woman of regrets. What is there to get from regret? Nothing but bad feelings. And the experience was hurtful enough. What’s the point of adding more terrible emotions?

Besides, people are only meant to stay at a certain point in time. There are a few who will probably be there for most years. But more often than not, things don’t last. People go not because they were never worth it – but only because they have their own journeys that they have to take with or without you. The same goes for you. The good news is, there are more people to meet, more moments that are yet to catch us off guard.

Life is like a book. Not all characters are built to be with you in every chapter. Each has their own role to fulfill. And when their part is done, feel free to grieve. But don’t fail to accept that it’s just the way it is. Let them experience their own chapters. And you will experience yours too.

Sometimes, I still think of the erstwhile friend of mine. But only to feed my nostalgia. Never to regret.

Maybe one day, I’ll get a Starbucks planner for a new person too. Until then, let me continue my personal tradition.

On Regrets and Worries

I wish my relationship with regret is the same as my relationship with worry.

I am not a woman of regrets but I am sure as hell a woman of a thousand worries.

In the past 26 years of my life, I can proudly say that I don’t have a lot of regrets. I can even count them using my five fingers, to be honest. (And I have my own reasons why I’m keeping those five things as “regrets” and if I tell you, you’ll believe me why. Thinking about it though, I think I only have two regrets. But whatever. Haha) But aside from those two, I just don’t see the point of regret. I mean if I did something wrong, then what’s the point of dwelling on it when it’s already done and I don’t have the power to change it? Whatever happened had to happen. I probably don’t know all the reasons why but maybe they contributed to my growth or something. Besides, whatever I was doing, it probably made me happy at that moment in time. So why regret something that once made me happy?

On the other hand though, I have a pretty toxic relationship with worry. I worry about everything!!! And I have this capacity of thinking about the worst of things, creating my own stupid reality that doesn’t even exist and yet I fully believe in it. My mind is my own enemy. I have made it a double-edged sword. Sucks, right? Coz if I believe that there’s no point in regret since it’s beyond my control, then why the hell can’t I believe that there’s no point in worry either coz last time I checked, it’s also beyond my control. LOL. Fuckin shithead. HAHAHA

I can’t seem to reconcile these things. I just wish that one day, I’ll stop worrying.

Sometimes I wish I were simpleminded.

I am a woman of worries.

Sadly, yes I am. It’s funny how I can’t remember any part of my life when I didn’t have to worry at all. Probably, I wasn’t worried when I was a baby or a toddler but how the hell am I supposed to remember those times huh? Kidding aside, every moment of my life, no matter all the progress I’ve made (I think I’ve made some, right? If I were to be kind to myself), I still worry.

I’ve been reflecting if I lack self love. I don’t think so. I think I love myself enough. It just so happens that it’s the tough kind. And can I really blame me? When I wasn’t allowed to be weak and mediocre when I was younger? Imagine having to sleep at 3am as early as 2nd grade just to study for exams. I’m not even exaggerating (and I’m telling you I wish I were). I was forced to always do my best (and even beyond) coz my parents would kill me if my 95 becomes a 94. As if my whole worth could be measured by a fuckin grade or a place at the honor roll. But pretty much it was though, during that time.

So now here I am. I don’t lack self love. However, I do lack self compassion. A guy once told me that probably I never had any official romantic relationship because I’m demanding. Huh. Joke’s on him. I’m actually the opposite. I don’t demand anything at all from anyone coz I believe that whatever I want and need, I can give to myself. So yes, I am indeed demanding – but only to myself and not to other people. It has its pros, but it also emphasizes the fact that I lack self compassion.

I’m pretty hard on myself. Always trying to outdo myself in ways more than one. And it’s damn tiring. Like right now I’m fuckin overwhelmed. But I only have me to blame coz everything’s my choice. Nobody asked me to take plenty of jobs at a single time. But since I’m pretty ambitious and I wanna build my empire someday, I’m doing everything I can to learn every fuckin thing I think I’m going to need in the future. Besides, who else is gonna do these things for me? No one. At the end of the day, I only have me to turn to. So I gotta fix my shit.

But then again, I can’t help but wonder how things could’ve turned out for me if I were simpleminded. If ambition doesn’t drive me insane. Maybe I stayed in Laguna, worked at my high school alma mater or a small company out there, married a high school fling, had kids, lived a simple life. Would have I been happy? Probably yes, if I were simpleminded. Too bad I’m not and there’s no point wallowing on the thought coz I’m not in any parallel universe and I’m stuck with the reality that I’m a freaking ambitious bitch who wants to have her own empire one day. So if I want it, I gotta work hard. No one’s gonna hand it to me on a silver platter. I didn’t come from a rich fam haha.

So maybe I can just take this moment to apologize to myself for everything I’ve been putting her through and to thank her as well for sticking with me despite my being a psycho bitch. Sorry and thanks, self. I love you. Never think otherwise.

Everything happens simultaneously.

I first encountered this belief when I read Isabel Allende’s The Japanese Lover and The House of the Spirits. It’s a recurring theme on both books. At first, I had a different understanding of the concept. It was comforting for me though. I mean, when you think about it, it’s nice to believe that there’s a version of me who’s completely happy. That she already exists while I’m still stuck in limbo. That she’s thriving somewhere while I’m here patiently waiting.

A friend of mine begged to differ. Coz if it’s true that everything happens simultaneously, then it’s also possible that what’s happening to me isn’t good. That probably, instead of me being happy, she’s more miserable than I am. That maybe if I feel stuck right now, she’s in a situation that’s totally impossible to escape from. Or let’s say that she’s indeed in a better position. But then again, it’s still not my reality. So how can I be happy for something that’s not even here yet?

Despite the difference in opinion, I still find the concept comforting. I find time totally interesting (and incomprehensible too). Coz when I think of the concept, I see a linear line with images of different versions of me (the past, the present, the future) all happening simultaneously. It’s how I pictured it and how I comprehended it. That in the grand scheme of the universe, there is no past, present, and future coz everything happens simultaneously.

Then just today, I watched the two Doraemon movies on Netflix (Stand by Me Doraemon and Stand by Me Doraemon 2). And I arrived with a different perspective on how to comprehend the concept. I realized that perhaps, it doesn’t mean that the past, the present, and the future is in a linear line all happening at the same time. It probably means that the choices you create in the present, pave way for the future, thus, making things happen simultaneously.

For instance, when Nobita was too adamant to stay lazy and unmotivated, his future was bleak. But when Doraemon came and made him realize that he needed to change his ways (and he did), his future became promising. Nobita was able to shape it the way he wanted to. So I guess that’s what the concept truly means. That it’s not some out-of-this-world time loop (or probably it also is), but something that is within our power, within our accountability, within our control (at least, most of it).

In one way or another, despite a different understanding, I still find the concept comforting. Coz isn’t it good to know that we have a say in what the future holds? That we’re not entirely powerless? That we have what it takes to create the future we’ve always dreamed of having. So, yeah, I guess I’ll continue to embrace the concept. How about you? What’s your understanding of the concept? Do you find it comforting?

There

I’m not posting this to promote. Believe me or not, I actually feel shy because I don’t think I’m worthy enough to be an actress. But I just feel ecstatic about this progress of mine, I think there’s a need to share it on my blog.

I am happy. Not Vancouver happy. That was extreme happiness, the kind of happiness that doesn’t happen twice. What I have right now is the serene type of happiness. Something not too low and not too high, just enough.

The thing that causes this happiness is the current state of my life. Yes, I am light years away from my ideal self but I’m there. Not the “there” type of there but, there, if you know what I mean.

I have a job that gives me what I deserve. I have a condo that I like. I have the chance to study acting. I have the opportunity to actually do it. I have my inner circle closer. And I have myself to carry on with dreams that are waiting for me.

As promised, I’m not posting this to promote. So I won’t invite you to watch me. Lol. I just wanna say that I’m happy. For now, that’s all I need.

 

Aneque Na, Bes?

I can’t quite believe it’s been a year already since I strutted my way to that stage, proudly wearing my Sablay. Having unlocked a major achievement, I remember feeling relieved – relieved from all the stresses caused by thesis statements, production visions, org responsibilities, and theoretical frameworks. “Natapos din ang lahat ng paghihirap ko,” or so I thought.

Life in UP was equivalent to all-nighters, canned goods and pancit canton, free-flowing tears, or in one word – hell. I used to believe that the key to heaven was nothing but that piece of parchment paper we like to refer to as the “diploma”. Little did I know that that piece of parchment paper is leading me to nowhere but another hell. Haha.

I guess adulthood is even more evil than UP can ever be. I thought graduation would direct me straight to my well-paved way to greatness. How was I supposed to know that it’s an effin’ labyrinth out there? I mean UP was a maze, too. But I had a compass back then. I knew that the way to get out was to study and to do whatever it was that I had to do to pass the semester. It wasn’t easy but at least I knew the steps (or had an idea on how to deal with the steps). When I stepped out of the UP maze, I discovered that the compass doesn’t always point north. More often than not, there’s no way to find out where exactly I’m heading. Every turn opens the door of “what’s next?”

It’s not a question that my undergrad self uttered probably thousands of “I-want-to-graduate-already” in different versions, through different media. Back then, I believed that graduation would save me from being broke, stressed, and what else. “Pag nagttrabaho, at least binabayaran ka. Unlike pag nag-aaral, napapagod lang.” What a philosophy, I’d say. The biatch in me didn’t know what she was talking about.

It’s been 365 days already since graduation day. What has become of that girl who used to think that commencement exercises are the answer? Well, here she is, getting paid already but still as broke as she can be. No love life. No added stamp on her passport. No grand achievement since that chance to wear the Sablay.

Nevertheless, it would be unfair to just dwell on what’s still missing. Yes, there aren’t achievements I can consider grand as of now. But I guess in those 365 days, I’ve taken the baby steps to “grand achievements”. There have been plenty of discoveries already – about me, about the universe, about life, about dreams. And I wouldn’t have found out about them if I didn’t step out of UP. Besides, UP did not educate me just to have it easy. What would be those sleepless nights for if they were not preparations for a tougher phase of life?

After 365 days, I still don’t know what’s the best direction to take. I’m not even sure if I wanna get out of the labyrinth. All I know is I want to at least enjoy the challenge and learn from it. After all, moments don’t happen twice. Might as well have fun rather than stress myself out. Beautiful stories have difficulties and I want my life to be one so I have to live up to adulthood’s crazy. I’m not sure when the next unlocking of achievements will be. I can only hope that it’s in the next 365 days.

Don’t worry, I’ll probably blog about it next year. 🙂

An Open Letter To My First Job

I never knew how true the “it’s-not-you-it’s-me” cliché ‘til I decided to pursue you.

I was a fresh graduate – young, ambitious, full of dreams and drive for success but most of all, lost.

You came at the time when boredom and frustration were getting the best of me. When after turning down other job offers, I became too sick of my free time. I longed for productivity, but I wasn’t sure where to find it.

I was an honor student from one of the country’s respected universities, yet there I was, stuck inside a house, far away from home, not knowing how to stay sane inside my own head.

I’ve always known that I was born for great things. Hence, I found it hard to understand why I couldn’t seem to find the right path. I was just another useless person contributing to the country’s high unemployment rate, stripped of money and independence that I’ve grown to enjoy for the past four years.

So that day when a phone call from you came, I was too upset to stay unemployed. I wanted money. I wanted productivity. I set aside my need and wish to find that one perfect job. So though I never expected to work for you, I said yes. Maybe it’s a good try. I can quit anytime anyhow. I can settle while that perfect job still hasn’t found me.

Now, after eight months of battling my way to the world of computers, blazers and ties, telephone calls, suitcases, and overpriced coffee, I’ve finally decided to call it off.

But as I have mentioned, it’s not you, it’s me.

You’re telling me that I have the potential. That there is a huge possibility for me to succeed in this industry. But this is not the field where I want to see myself. And you’re actually the one that made me realize that.

You offer stability in all forms whether financial, career growth, and a clearer path to success but I don’t want to wake up at 5 in the morning wishing it’s 5 in the afternoon already.

I don’t want to spend my wonderful years having to stay at a desk, in front of a computer, stressing myself on all the reports and proposals that I don’t give a shit about.

I don’t want to base my fulfillment on the sales that the company has made.

I don’t want your politics. I don’t want your rules. I don’t want you.

Yes, I’m still trying to figure out the path to my real passion but you’ve surely narrowed down my choices.

Whatever my path will be might not be as stable as you, but I only have one life, I might as well do the things that make me feel alive.

But please don’t get me wrong. It’s not like there isn’t a part of me that feels sad about this. As Anatole France puts it, “all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

I will miss the cars, the benefits, the corporate prestige. I will miss the team, the bondings through the stress and odds, the rants that kept us going, the times that made us through.

But I have to go because if I don’t, I will miss myself more.

I know you need me. I’m flattered, but I need myself too.

Yes, I ended up leaving you. But I don’t regret beginning with you.

And thank you, thank you for being my first taste of the real world.

 

 

Sometimes, All We Need Is A Little Reminder

Ever since I graduated from university, I’ve never done a single thing besides worrying about my career. I’ve experienced this after-grad crisis wherein I’m fully aware that I have my whole life ahead of me; the thing is, I have no freaking idea what the hell am I gonna do with it. I believe that I have the potential to be successful in life. But what exactly is the definition of success? Is it landing a stable 8-5 job with good compensation but nothing else in it? Is it chasing after a passion but losing all of my savings in the process? For the past 20 years of my life, I have always been sure of my goals. Until my final goal, which was to graduate in UP with honors, welcomed me with shiny medals and ravishing Sablay photos. For the first time in forever, I didn’t know what’s next. Frustration has become a default feeling. Worrying has become a specialty.

I applied and applied and applied, trying to find that one job that can please and feed me at the same time. It took me a couple of interviews before I finally decided to sign the contract. You might think that I have forgotten about frustration and worrying. But you’ve never been so wrong. Apparently, they have beaten Ms. Overly Obsessed Girlfriend because they have become the clingiest entities I had the misfortune to encounter.

Don’t get me wrong though. I like my job. But there are times when bipolarity can pervade even the sanest brain cells of mine, making me think of retiring at the age of 20. And I wish I’m exaggerating but I’m not. I just feel so afraid that I’ll be stuck with the same job for the rest of my life and waste away. That I’ll be one of those mid-forties, still doing the same thing they have always done all throughout their lives, feeling miserable but too scared to ruin the life they’ve forced themselves to believe that they love. I’m terrified that the choices I make right now won’t lead me to the life I have always wanted to live.

Everyday, I think of my “gameplans” to fix my life and lead me to my dream. But each day, something happens and blows my constructed gameplan to my face. So I don’t have a choice but to create another one and another one and another one. That’s been my routine lately. You know, wake up at 6 am to get ready for my 8 am job, arrive at the office, turn the computer on, start my reports, spend my free time thinking about my next move, back to my reports, then contemplate if I’m making the right choices, then talk to my boss, then imagine my future self and if she would spank me right now and tell me how stupid I am, finish work, go home, and have frustration as my company for dinner.

The only thing that’s keeping my sanity intact is my interaction with my friends whether it be personal or just virtual. A few hours ago, I had the chance to catch up with my favorite Canadian girl, Catherine. We became friends when I was on my exchange studies experience at the University of British Columbia. We scheduled a Skype bonding so we could tell each other the recent happenings in our lives. We talked for almost two hours. And in those two hours, I felt lightheaded. Like frustration and worrying finally concluded that I’m the worst company ever and I’m not worth a second of their time.

Conversing with Catherine seemed like a part of me was back in my exchange studies experience again. Like I’m there living the dream. I suddenly remembered why I was so in love with my UBC experience. Because it was the only thing that made me concretely feel that anything is never less than possible. In that universe, dreams are nothing but attainable. If you wanna travel the world, just save up a little and you can do it without worrying about visa approvals and whatnots. You can be a cashier and still get to have a car. You can practice your art if that’s what you really wanna do and still find a way to feed yourself and your family. It’s a universe of possibilities wherein anyone is free to be whomever he/she wants to be. When I was an exchange student, I experienced having a reality so good that even I couldn’t believe it’s real in the first place. I got to see the Niagara Falls with my very eyes when I could only view it through the Facebook photos of my friend who migrated. The experience was my one solid proof that there is no such thing as too ideal. Because things are only as too ideal as you believe them to be.

I’m not saying that these things are only true for people in the West. I’ve read about success stories of people from other cultures. But I can’t deny the fact that opportunities and privileges in our country are, unfortunately, not for everyone. And because of our economic state, we tend to just accept and settle with whatever we have more often than not. It has always been harder for us. We just can’t decide to travel the world because we need visa applications. This is not the place for equal chances. Only the few get to enjoy the privilege. Worse is, many, if not all, of those few abuse their power and use it to sabotage the underprivileged with no hesitation.

That’s probably the explanation why I kept on worrying about my career. Because after a year of heartbreaking separation with the best experience of my life so far, I’ve already forgotten that there can be a world wherein dreams are realities. Limitations have gotten the best of my imagination, making me feel like I’ll be stuck with the same things forever. I’ve forgotten that I once lived my dream and I can do that again if I just believe.

So probably, sometimes, all we need is a little reminder. A reminder that there was a time in our lives wherein we were just plain happy and contented. And that it can happen again. We’ve just forgotten about its possibility because we’ve let frustrations and worries infiltrate our brains that they’ve almost clouded the special areas that contain our best memories, when we were most in love with the lives we’re living.

So I hope you find your little reminder. Whatever it may be. Here’s mine:

Catching up with my favorite Canadian girl after a long long while